Steve Jobs Won't Love Me For This: Reviewing iPhone's Apps

Flurry mobile industry analysts said that Apple’s iPhone has a commanding lead over Android, RIM Blackberry, and JavaME, with these smartphones swaggering away as the “new laptops”.

Whoa.

Check out Flurry’s stats, unraveling chest-beating drumrolls that iPhone applications can and do make money,

“A strong publisher with two titles a month can expect $10 million to $15 million in sales through the iPhone channel, if the titles are well-marketed … The iPhone app industry is beginning to resemble the music industry with its "hit-driven" nature."

"One "hit" gets a developer on the map and gives them the chance to sell more apps. Successful apps often resemble successful songs: you need a good artist, a good producer, a strong distributor, and plenty of promotion.”

Steve Jobs’ iPhone, as per Flurry, is making a killing on all fronts: number of developers, number of applications, and number of consumers using these applications. For developers: iPhone gets a commanding 72% ; Android, 22% ; Java ME 5%, and BlackBerry 1%. For applications, iPhone grabs the lead with 64%; JavaME and Android both with 16%, and BlackBerry 4%.

And for consumer statistics, iPhone garners 87%, Android 7%, Java ME 6%, and BlackBerry with “relatively small numbers”.

But the iPhone App Store, launched last year with an initial 500 applications and now ballooning to 55,000 apps, has been getting both: hallelujahs and flak.

Yet, the flak seemed more resounding, as reported by Krapps.com's Alex Miro and CNNMoney.com .

Zips

Developed by Jake Landon, priced at 99 cents and also available in a free version called Zips Lite.

The virtual zipper goes up and down, up and down, as if the inane suggestiveness of the zip-up-zip-down motion is something that could tickle anyone’s fancy.

But there’s more head-scratching on this one,the 99-cent version. You change the virtual underwear’s colors, tap the camera to add your pics posing like a disheveled-haired porn star, and finally roll your eyes in boredom, exasperated disgust , or a combination of both.

At the end, you heave out a disbelieving screech: “What’s the point ?”

iNap@Work

Almost a dollar for this app, developed by SilentLogic Studios.

For the veritable lazybum sleeping on the job? You bet.

“Promises to generate random office sounds -- mouse clicks, keyboard taps, pencil sharpeners, coughs, and rustling paper -- to give power-nappers some cover. Little sliders are supposed to control your "productivity" level and the frequency of each sound.”

You would scream in pent-up dismay and disgruntlement if you catch your overpaid boss using this application, clearly a juvenile act.

If a highschooler kid would use this in computer class, nap while taking cover via the monitor and the feigning mouse clicks, it’s a bummer wasting battery power and electricity.

Not to mention tolerating future bums in the making.

Hold the Button

A freebie for iPhone users, developed by Me Mundo iPhone SL. This one’s clearly not recommended for overly busy people, but perfect for those who would like the simplest way to kill time. No brain activity needed.

A fingerprint image appears on the screen, and you put your finger on it, hold it there, until you can till it takes forever. Or until you finally gather enough ideas on what better thing to do next.

“The game is supposed to be a test of patience or stamina or will power or something… When you finally give in, you can compare your score with slackers all over the world. Uh-oh. For the uninspired,totally un-restless, and totally bored."

Guaranteed to promote minimal muscular activity from your finger. No guarantees on burning calories.

If you’re a bit obese, congratulations! You maintain your figure!

Sexy Girl Talk - Sexy Alphabet Deluxe

The M Dev, developer for this app and the same creators of the now-famous Moronizer and Angry Kittens Attack, suggests: "Listen to some Sexy Alphabet. Listen to some nice pronunciation. Fun for all the guys."

Ho-hum. Coffee, please.

Taxi

Whether you’re a big city tourist from Timbuktu or Zimbabwe who would rather have a gadget hail a taxi for you , or simply too lazy to flag these cabs , this app is --- well, supposedly --- for you, guys.

A loud whistle to flag the taxis, and flashing the word “TAXI” in bold colors when the iPHone is tilted horizontally. Smart, eh??

Try waving your iPhone with the TAXI word in the streets of snatcher-mean Divisoria -- downtown city streets of Manila -- and see how the streetboys rush to your side like hovering angels, and sneakily grab your iPhone out of your sight.

So you don’t get your taxi, and you lose your phone.

Even the cyberhecklers snicker that the TAXI bold colors, when used near epileptics, would spell “DANGER” , triggering seizures.

As Oprah often says: Back in a moment.

FatBurner2k

Developed by the Daily Burn, costing 99 cents.

FatBurner2K is the app , not for the cellulite-ridden, but for the moronic gullibles who would believe that their abominable love handles will vanish, and their calories would go burn,burn, burn with this application.

Nosirree.

An iPhone app designed “ to help your body consume fat molecules using disharmonic, molecule to molecule, physical oscillations…” Pure baloney.

You’re instructed to put your phone on your tummy, six inches above your belly, and it vibrates like some weight-reducing expert as advertised on TV Home Shopping. You flash your self-confident smug look, ala strut-your-stuff gigolo with that narcissist Johnny Bravo mien. Suddenly, you feel like some hot Adonis.

Truth is, your weight stays as is. FatBurner2K is simply for what it is: pure entertainment.

So try to look as if you’re entertained, not disgusted.

Hair Clinic For Men and Women

Quite pricey at $3.99, developed by Social Project. It promises "healthy and abundant" hair by generating "various types of inaudible high and low frequencies to promote blood circulation around hair roots and under the head skin."

Bro , it’s not the answer to your prayers of having a full head of hair.

The painful truth is: you’re not gonna get help with your “Battle of the Balds”, at least, not with this app, for crying out loud.

It’s all playtime, and simply a manifestation of your unsatisfied yearnings for improving your scalp by growing hair. Don’t fret if your hair doctor suddenly bursts into uncontrollable guffaws on this one. It’s not his fault.

And the worst is yet to come: migraines galore if the iPhone’s built-in speaker is held too close to the ears.

Drunk Sniper

If I were you, I’d go for the Drunk Sniper Lite version, totally free, as compared to the 99 cents version – both developed by Apalon.

In that way, you might be able to avoid gritting your teeth in utter abomination at this app: supposedly “virtual peeing” and “virtually aiming your virtual splashes” on the toilet bowl with target circles.

Bathroom game in utter inane fashion: played at crotch level, simulating the drunkard’s ability to aim good at the toilet bowl target with his virtual splashes, amidst swaying rooms and dizzy spells due to virtual overdrinking.

A worldwide scoring of peeing splashes , keeping track of how your peeing fares with other slackers from different parts of the globe.

Enjoy!

Cow Toss

Guess again. That’s not Guyito, Philippine Daily Inquirer’s cute mascot.

When iPhone’s Cow Toss emerged in the market, developed by Digital Thought Software and priced at 99 cents, it was regarded as "logically confusing" , with its scoring system not fully explained, eliciting confused reactions.

CNNMoney.com says : “Another publication rated Cow Toss the 4th stupidest app ever written for the iPhone, but that doesn't do justice to all the other dumb apps.”

The image of a cow flies and harrumphs into space, with your careless flicks of the finger, mooing like crazy as it bounces off and careers away, but the scoring is really something to ponder about.

So, are we having fun yet??

FlickABooger

Certainly not for the squeamish, or the Paris Hiltonish set, or the Valley Girl populace.

Check out FlickABooger’s similar apps: iNose, iSnot, and Sneeze on Me -- wherein you develop skills on purposefully tossing your nasal excretions, in varieties of density and volume, labeled dutifully according to its appearance.

Your choices: “Super Slimer”, “Booger Bomb”, “Icky Sticky”, “Skinny Bob”, “Green Gob”, “Hackalicious” “Big Bad Bubba”, or “Fat and Juicy”. Take your pick.

Meantime, push your luck all the more for more enjoyment: do this while eating your favorite meal. Happy eating!